Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Chapter 11 "Surgery"
Please keep little Sweet Pea in your prayers this week because on February 18 she will be undergoing a surgery on her stomach so she can no longer have severe reflux. It is called a ‘nissen fundoplication’ aka a ‘fundo’. The surgeon will wrap part of her stomach around the bottom of her esophagus so nothing can come back up. Unfortunately, it is permanent but some become looser over time. And since she is so small she may or may not need another surgery when she gets older. Since the fundo prevents acid from her coming back, she will not aspirate the acid into her lungs anymore! She will, Lord-willing, no longer have As and Bs! The surgery prevents acid from coming back up but also makes it very difficult to throw up or burp. Therefore, she will also have a g-tube place directly into her stomach. In most cases, a g-tube is put in to feed directly into the stomach. But since the therapy is working so well on her swallow, she may only need the g-tube for venting purposes! We are hopeful she will be able to maximize her oral feeds and minimize feeding through the g-tube.
Although surgery is the last resort we feel like the doctors and feeding teams have tried everything. Reflux is very common in infants, even more so in preemies. Parker just has severe case of it that can’t be fixed clinically. But, we feel very blessed that a surgery may fix Parker’s problem and she does not have an underlying disease or condition, words that have been spoken to us several times. The Lord is sovereign and knew we could handle anything but we are thankful our little one’s issues may be fixed by this time next week!
We are prayerful that Parker will finally come home in a couple more weeks after she recovers from the surgery. She will be 3 months old on this Thursday the 17th and is currently 8 lbs and 5 oz. This precious blessing is indeed a miracle!
We are thankful for each of you and the power of prayer!
Chapter 8 "Tests, Tests, Tests"
Just to show you a bit of what life was like in our case with OUR preemie. It’s rare this many tests are needed. And babies go home usually around their due date (and from what we observed, usually before). But our life soon became full of tests and waiting because of Parker’s issues. Her main issues were “As and Bs”. A= apnea, where she would stop breathing, usually associated with her turning color. Her pale face would turn dusky and her lips a light blue. Parker will desat a lot (some part of her body is not getting enough oxygen and so her saturation level would drop), but it’s where she actually holds her breath and/or stops breathing that had everyone worried.
Parker has put us all through some scares because of how significant her desats were. She would get that color change as she held her breath and would need to get her oxygen turned up or even sad to say, need to be bagged. Meaning they would put the oxygen mask over her face and squeeze air into her little lungs as she lay their limp. Took a year off one of our favorite nurse’s life as little stinker decided to give up on breathing, again.
But, as she has grown older, and has consistently now got mommy’s milk since January 7th (she had only been on milk a day or two here and there and then immediately taken off because her little body couldn’t handle it), she has grown out of a lot of her preemie issues. Yet, she was still having As and B’s. One of our final tests at SACH , a ph probe study, showed Parker’s severe reflux. At CHOC, they took her off all meds to observe her and we soon learned she is refluxing 65% of the day and she is aspirating into her lungs. They tried maximizing her meds, thickening her feeds with rice cereal, positioning, and yet her severe As and Bs have continued.
Her latest ph phrobe with the numagram test showed she is refluxing 65% of the day, but no central apnea. The doctors believe she had both going on, severe apnea prematurity in combination with the severe reflux, but now there is no more central apnea! Praise God. The MRI of the chest showed an aberrant subclavian petruding her esophagus, making a slight indent into her esophagus, causing some of her swallowing/aspirating problems. But not all. Her aortic arch artery going to the right instead of the left. Just another unique little thing about Sweet Pea! As far as the indent on the esophagus, the cardiologist is confident she doesn't need surgery for that and as she grows her esophagus will grow larger in proportion to her artery. CHOC does a therapy called “vital stim” on infants and it has improved her swallow tremendously over the last few days. It's strengthening her muscles to get past that little indent and teaching her to protect her airway with a strong cough, which in return in preventing her from silent aspirations as the an esophagram showed.
HEAD/NEURO
3 Cranium Ultrasounds. The first two were to check for brain bleeds (common in preemies) and the last one was to just triple check since she was still having significant A’s and B’s.
December 14- EEG Result: Abnormal, but could be normal since still preemie.
January 5 – MRI Result: Normal
January 7 -Consult with pediatric neurologist. She ordered 4 Metabolic blood tests.
Results: They all came back normal, giving us peace that there was connectivity between her neuro and muscles!
January 21- Had a “seizure.” Dr. ordered stat EEG which came back abnormal with “spike in the temporal lobe and low thresh hold for seizures”. Started a med called Phenobarbital and had a horrible reaction to it. Ended up on Keppra
@ CHOC
February 3- EEG.
Result: Didn’t show anymore seizure activity. Praise the Lord! Will continue the Keppra until outrgrows the dose to be safe!
February 6- MRI
Showed mild atrophy- fluid to brain ratio is a little more, which can be common in preemies. Will be followed developmentally.
INFECTIONS
November 28- December 2: bacteria infection in lungs causing pneumonia. Back on the ventilator and put on 2 strong antibiotics.
December 14- Positive blood culture showed staff infection from her pic line. Put on 10 day course of antibiotics.
January 10- Another positive blood culture and 7 day course of antibiotics.
February 7- pneumonia again from aspirating into her lungs.
HEART/CARDIOBorn with a bicuspid aortic valve, which usually means nothing until your 4th or 5th decade in life. 1-2% of people have a bicuspid aortic valve. Complications can start in infants and valve replacement may be necessary. They may or may not need a replacement when they are older. Complications include: congestive heart failure, Leakage of blood through the valve back into the heart, or narrowing of the valve's opening.
January 5- Consult with pediatric cardiologist.
Result: Bicuspid aortic valve still looks great. No cardio problems! This was a big praise because so many thought her issues pointed to a heart problem.
@CHOC- The MRI of the chest showed an aberrant subclavian petruding her esophagus, making a slight indent into her esophagus, causing some of her swallowing/aspirating problems. But not all. Her aortic arch artery going to the right instead of the left. Just another unique little thing about Sweet Pea!
STOMACH/GI
December 14- Kidney ultrasound Result: Normal
December 24- started reglan because one the nurses noticed reflux like symptoms.
January 7: Upper GI Result: Normal
January 21: Barium Swallow Study Result: Normal
January 23- had a ph probe put in. So another tube went down her nose into her stomach to see how much acid/reflux over a 24 hour period.
Result: Ready for this… ABNORMAL!
@ CHOC
February 3- ph probe study with a numagram test. After being taken off all her reflux meds at CHOC so they could observe her, they wanted to see if the reflux correlated with her apnea spells.
Numagram Test Result: Apnea- NORMAL! She could finally me taken off the medicine she was on stimulate her brain to remember to breathe!
Ph Probe Result: SEVERELY abnormal! Sweet pea is reflux 65% of the day. Her reflux is so severe it is also aspirating back up into her lungs.
February 4: Esophagram x-ray
Result: Showed silent aspirating into lungs on swallow too : ( . The feeding team will start vital stim therapy.
February 7: Chest MRI
Result: Aberrant subclavian artery is pushing up again esophagus, making an indent. This is just the way she is born.
FEEDS
Parker was off feeds for almost all of December except a day or 2 here. And only a few days on in November too. Though I insisted my milk was the best thing for her, we learned that babies guts are the first stop working when there is other issues and are the least important compared to the heart and breathing. So in reality, mama didn’t know best at first. But I sure did when I insisted on breastfeeding over and over again and finally on January 27, they let me and she did awesome!
She was pulled off feeds the first time because of a NEC scare. Her bowels stopped making ‘moving sounds’ and how much residuals she was having, along with that scary green stuff you don’t want to see when you pull back the air and from the NG tube.
January 7- she went back on feeds and seemed to be tolerating them well. No turning back since then. She started to chub out too with getting mama’s milk every 3 hours! She still got them through the NG tube was slowly starting to add in bottle feeds.
This became an issue as she soon showed a cough and A and/or B with each bottle feed.
BREATHING ASSISTANCE
Was told she had chronic lung disease at one point, but she has continued to improve her strength to breathe on her own.
Ventilator- Being intubated means having it put in and extubated means having it taken out. This is where the vent is breathing for her when she was too tired. As she got stronger, she wouldn’t be “riding the vent” and taking her own breaths with it. Obviously the most invasive, this was the hardest to watch because of the uncomfortable ness down her throat. She would be on morphine for this, so seeing her sedating and not her little big eyed alert self, killed us. And then, not being able to hold her… well let’s not even go back to that week.
Cpap -the snorkel looking device, not as quite as bad a the ventilator but still continuous air pressure, making it not as easy as the nasal cannula
Nasal Cannula -little prongs into her nose that blow oxygen and flow. This has different levels of flow, so if she was on 3 liters, it was almost like a cpap but obviously not as tight on her nose. The amount of oxygen depending on how she was sating, if she needed more or not. 21% is room air. So during a little a or b spell, they might have to turn up the oxygen to stimulate her to breath. We are used to that.
Chapter 7 "Due Date Come & Gone"
I can see how the day your baby was supposed to do can be so hard. For me, I have been trying to look at it like, Hey, I got to spend 9 extra weeks with my sweet baby girl! And surprisingly, it was a special day. I told her again about my labor, how powerful her story will be, how big she has gotten…but now reality has overtaken me.
So now we are at 10 weeks. This has to be the most draining week of my life. I finally feel the weariness of not knowing why Parker isn’t getting stronger. It’s like one morning she is alert and breathing good, then by night she had 3 bad spells and everyone is trying to convince us she is going to be OK and this is common. Common?
Well it doesn’t seem common anymore. She is supposed to be home by her due date. They tell you when anyone asks, “They usually go home around their due date” And now they are starting to throw in there “ But every baby is different”. There has been babies coming and going out of here WEEKS before their due date. That seems common! And yes, I know we can’t compare, but seriously, we have no end in sight. They still are trying to say she has just severe apnea prematurity. But why is it so severe? Why does she need to get bagged? Why does she look at you one second so intently and then shut down the next?
She just seems so weak sometimes. We don’t want to go there but we are starting to wonder if she does have a serious problem. Some kind of disease or muscle weakness. And if that is the sovereign plan of the Lord, I just wish He would reveal it to us. I wish we could have some answers. Just tell us you have 3, 3 weeks, even 3 months here, but the she’ll be home and you’ll learn how work with her disease or syndrome.
Whatever it is, however long we have left in the walls of the NICU, we just want to know what to expect. Our heart is telling us she is going to be OK but it doesn’t make it any easier. We spent Thanksgiving and Christmas and now New Years away from her. With family, but without our family. There has been a constant ache in my heart since November 17, like something is missing. And even when I am with her, the ache still burrows deep within my bones. Because this isn’t how it’s supposed to be. It’s not how any first-time mom who has spent her entire childhood playing dolls, her later years babysitting every kid she could because she truly loved children, expected motherhood, let alone her motherhood, to be.
I keep thinking… I’ll take a colicky Parker that cried all day, a Parker who never who wanted to sleep at night, any kind of complaint mothers have happen to Parker, if it meant having her out of the NICU and at home, healthy.
I start to ponder again why this happened to us? Why can’t be getting better? Why did she have to come early in the first place?
……….And I remember that she is not ours, she is the Lords’. And He chose us to use us for His glory.
So I keep praying and then I think, well even if she has some kind of chronic or fatal disease, what says the Lord’s sovereign plan isn’t to cure it and have us to never know why she stayed in the NICU past her due date??? We may never know. And so we keep reading truth to ourselves through His Word feeding His power to our souls, like pain meds for our never subsiding, deep ache.
I’ll never forget this pain on week 10. It’s almost unbearable. It’s been building and building, like a splinter getting deeper and deeper, or a hang nail you pulled farther and farther down making in sting the more you pull but you just want it out! I have cried every time I walked into the NICU this week. I accept the pity looks from everyone instead of trying to be a light. I have called friend and broken down sharing the rawest part of me. And I have let my thoughts go everywhere to somehow blaming this on me.
But now it’s time to go and take my “pain meds” and get deep in His word again. And one day I’ll look back on this week 10 and remember His grace. One day.
Chapter 6 "Christmas Gift"
Despite not buying our real tree, or going all out on our Christmas décor, or baking cookies for all our colleagues and family, traditions we do every year, we still have the gift of our Savior. No matter what happens to Parker, we have our salvation because God sent his Son over 2,000 years ago and we can celebrate today and every day!
Parker gave us her own little gift this Christmas. After a rocky Christmas Eve and having her have to be back on cpap, she breathed on her own all Christmas Day. We also got to “nuzzle” her first attempt at breastfeeding. It was like Jesus knew what we wanted more than anything, to have her own with us and feel like a “normal” family, but He was saying, keep having faith. And until she is home with you where she is supposed to be, I will give you the gift of a “normal” cordless baby. No cannula, no ng tube (they were doing a switch), just a sweet, tiny baby. Skin on skin. Just like my Son I sent away from His “normal” into this cold, dark world. But this is was Jesus’ normal, to be a light, to save. And cords, desats, pic lines, this is our normal… for now. But to have a taste of what life will be like when it’s just us, baby and mommy and daddy, Hark! What a Joy!
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Chapter 5 "in NICU is really for University- Life at NICU"
The best way to describe life at a NICU is like life at a University, except more fragile and sterile. You have to prepare for class and get ready. You have to be focused, study and understand or you’ll be eaten up by alarms and fear. You learn your professors, financial aide, administration, class officers, president. You pass tests every day, are nervous to do something wrong, and are at the will of the professors. You learn the different teaching styles. You are at the University because you are striving for a higher purpose, a degree that will land you a career.
So life at our University, San Antonio Community Hospital (SACH), you prepare with the following. You tie your hair up, put your purse or belongings in your locker. You take your scrub package. Clean out underneath your nails. Scrub with the brush and soap for 3 minutes. Rinse. The water is always too hot or always too cold. Poor maintenance guy that I saw a few times. Could never keep everyone happy. So then you put on your “gown”. You walk and find YOUR baby. Of course, Parker moved spots several times where as others may have always been moving closer to the door. Parker went from the Pit, to the Barn, the Farm, back to the Garden. They are levels of care and Parker kept misbehaving and needing more attention. That’s ok, we are used to that. Depending on the nurse, you can just jump in if it’s assessment time. Take her temp, change her diaper. Get excited for pee pees and poo poos, always leave the diaper out for the nurse to weigh. It was always hard waiting for the OK when we just wanted to get our hands on our baby. It was even harder when they wouldn’t let us play with her when she was awake after feeds. Due to always having to be stimulated when she was having a desat that was turning into apnea, it didn’t allow for the strongest sleep patterns. But you be patient and learn to wait, because after all, it’s your baby.
You have so many people to learn. You have a social worker, a case manager, Occupational Therapist (OT), two neonatologists, one being the chief, a nurse manager, a director, several respiratory therapists- only one per shift- but you have to learn them like the nurses, and of course the most important part, the “mini doctors” as I have referred to friends and family- the nurses, for day and night shift. There is about 60 NICU nurses at SACH, and Parker has been seen by a little over 30 of them. You have to learn each of their style, who is good at explaining, who is good at communicating, who is good at empathizing, who is extremely smart, who is observant, who is good at letting you be “mom” and who follows invisible lines on the book.
You learn what your studying quickly. Parker has “leeds”- 3 little heart stickers with thin wires coming down and hooked into the machine that show her heart rate, saturation level, and respiratory level. Then she has a pulse ox monitor that shows her saturation level and pulse too. You know you don’t want to see her sats dropping because then some part of her body is not getting oxygen in her blood. You learn you don’t want to see residuals when she has feeds – milk that is pulled back out of her NG tube (the thin tube in her nose or mouth that goes to her stomach), unless of course it is partially digested. You definitely don’t want to see green, but clear is good. You learn where the blankets are, but depending on the nurse, you can go get your own burp rag or fresh blanket.
You learn you have to wait until it’s your assessment time. Unless you want to just be staring at your little one so your voice doesn’t stimulate her and wake her up. Preemies need their sleep. They need it to grow and to heal. Their assessment times are every 3 hours. Once they are awake, then you can hold them unless of course they are intubated. Which happened to Parker twice at SACH.
Chapter 4 "Our Gift Has Arrived"
I was sent an angel on the night I went into labor. I had gone stir crazy from my 6 days on bedrest in the hospital. Parker was an active little one, constantly causing the nurses to come in and move the lovely strap on my belly so they can find her heartbeat. Needless to say, sleep was not a steady environment enveloped in our latest room, especially on the labor & delivery bed. (we switched rooms 4 times depending how strong my labor was getting).
My angel’s name was Niki. She listened to my tears (after I just finished the same tear saga to Rob) about why I was sick of being in labor and just wanted to meet her. It had been a long week, but especially a long 24 hours of being in “active labor.” I was sick of fighting my body of what it wanted to do. She searched up and down the hospital to find me earplugs as I cried about the IV machine preventing me to sleep. I will never forget the clicking noise the pump made every time my eyelids became heavy. She let me have my first meal in 24 hours—a glorious, gourmet jello with graham crackers! Food never tasted so good.
Around midnight, I finally convinced my also sleep and shower deprived husband to go home and take a shower. I wanted him to go home and sleep since I knew I would be up all night (due to the annoyance of the IV machine) but that wasn’t flying, so he settled to go home for a quick shower. He was back in 30 minutes. During that time I tried everything to sleep but between the IV machine and the pressure in my back, which I thought was just the hard labor & delivery bed, I became more anxious. I considered telling the nurse to take out the epidural despite the constant contractions I saw on the screen. And in my weakest moment, I considered throwing the IV machine against the wall.
Rob returned and I broke down again. Niki came in to check on me and due to my ache in my back she said, “Let’s check you again. Maybe you’ve progressed?” I had been at a “7” for over 12 hours, so I knew my body wasn’t going to transition by being dead still. There’s no way I was going to get my hopes up. Again.
But as she reached in there I saw a smile form on her lips, “You’re at a 9.5!” I looked at my husband and started the waterworks again, this time tears of joy! She said we would have the baby in the next two hours and our Dr was already on her way for another delivery. Praise Jesus!
We snapped a picture, took a video and I was being wheeled down the hall with confidence I didn’t know I would have. I always thought I would be scared out of mind for the actual delivery part, but obviously the Lord knew what he was doing my making me anticipate it for a week and want it more than anything.
2 hours was shortened to 20 minutes! I couldn’t believe how big the delivery room was. The NICU nurses and RT came in along with my dr. I was at a 10, but no water broke yet—the whole reason they said I had to stay on hospitalized bed rest because my waterbag was so low due to the pressure of the polyhydramnios (reminder- extra amniotic fluid in my uterus—the whole reason I went into pretermlabor). Next thing you know I was telling the entire room, “Her head is stuck!!” Niki informed me that I was having a contraction and that means it was time to push. I told her, “No really, it’s stuck! I can feel it!” Ah, first time mom.
You see, going into labor 2 months early didn’t give me time to read in my “What to Expect When Your Expecting” book about delivery. Rob and I had gone to only 2 of our 5 childbirth classes. I had NO idea how to push. Sweet Niki tried to teach me as I held her and Rob’s hand. I started to say mid-push and said, “I don’t think I am doing it right.” I was answered, “If you are talking, you’re not doing it right.” Oops.
After the first set of pushes another nurse came in wanting to know the progress for the other patient my dr. came to deliver. She ever so slightly said with an edge, “We have to learn how to push first.”
Ooooh no she didn’t. My flare for victory coiled up inside me. I can do this! Rob encouraged me as the next contraction started coming along and I concentrated on his voice as I envisioned the 3 of us together. I pushed with all my might and still managed to keep a smile on my face. It felt so unbelievably good to finally be doing what my body had been trying to do! The doctor said with a bit too much surprise in her voice, “You’re doing it!” Yep, that’s what I thought.
The next contraction sure came quickly and then they were telling me NOT to push! What? Why?! The neonatologist wasn’t there yet… Well my body wasn’t stopping so I went with it. I could feel it, I knew she was close. The next contraction came and they said, “you’re almost there!” One more big push and there was our beautiful precious little girl.
One of the happiest moments in our life, was hearing that little cry. It meant she was breathing. It meant we were all going to be OK.
Chapter 3 "Labor at 30 Weeks"
I just happen to have an ultrasound on the lovely 11/11/11 and Rob just happen to have the day off from school. Coincidence? Or the Lord’s providence?
The ultrasound tech avoided my question when I asked how thinned my cervix was after looking at the screen. I knew something was wrong, I just didn’t know how wrong. So instead of worrying, we enjoyed looking at our baby girl. She was happy and playing and gave us perfect pictures that would soon hang on our hospital room wall.
I was supposed to have an hour before my appointment, so we can go eat breakfast with the grandmas. The tech said she moved up my appt. – sign #2. The front desk must have not had her notes up fast enough because she told us to come back for the appointment. So, another gift from God, we got to have breakfast! My soon to be last meal for 24 hours.
The dr. told me I was in pre-term labor and needed to go strait to delivery. My cervix was 90% effaced and I was dilated at a 1. My cervix had been thinned due to the pressure of the excess amniotic fluid. A condition called, polyhydramnios. The dr. shared she already called the hospital and they were expecting me. We needed to go strait there!
Rob and I drove to San Antonio Community Hospital
We tried to calm our nerves as we spoke truth to each other. The Lord’s sovereign gives us exactly what we need and not what we want. And if there was going to be something wrong with our little one, then God saw us fit to be able to give her the care and home she needs!
We went strait to L&D, though we hadn’t even been on our hospital tour or signed the “admitting papers”, they were ready to prick me with my first steroid shot. My Dr. came by soon after and I was at a 3 and still not feeling a thing. The perinatologist came by and did an u/s and our baby showed no problems with swallowing, a common problem with polyhydramnios and also a sign of Down syndrome. Her heartbeat was great and was in no distress. She was just swimming away happy as a clam in the Carribbean.
And so the breathing shots started to stop the contractions, the magnesium, the strict bed rest. And the waiting…
Chapter 2 "Pregnancy Bliss"
I loved being pregnant.
I know everyone is different, but I felt great. Nothing was like OHSS. Rob spoiled me, “since I was bearing his child” and I felt a constant glow from my cheeks. Wednesdays were my favorite. Our blueberry would turn another week old and Rob and I made a tradition of reading “My Weekly Pregnancy” to see how our berry was growing.
I spent hours online shopping for the perfect bedroom set, perfect theme. We agreed, whether blueberry was a boy or girl, we wanted the room to be gender neutral so a brother or sister could be welcomed in without a whole new décor scene.
On September 2, we found out our little blueberry was a pinkberry, much to our surprise. It was one of the happiest moments of our lives as we opened the envelope and our little one became real to us as we stared at the gender ultrasound picture. Of course, it was a reason to celebrate! Much to my husband’s dissatisfaction, I am always looking for a reason to throw a party. Especially a themed one. So we held in the suspense for 2 days and bought equal amounts of pink and blue foods & favors to have a fabulous reveal of Baby B’s gender. Here is the video we created to play at our “Gender Reveal Party:”
VIDEO CLIP
We ended the party with a game to announce her name, one we had kept secret and so, Parker Allison was introduced to the world.
Pink started to flood my mind ever so more than before. We painted pink letters for her name, pink bookshelf, picked out a pink Petunia Picklebottom, and started her wardrobe and hair accessories with a whole lot of pink.
Chapter 1 "You Aren't Going to be Able To Get Pregnant On Your Own"
“You aren’t going to be able to get pregnant on your own.”
These were the words Dr. Q, our fertility specialist and said to us after diagnosing my blocked fallopian tube, PCOS, and months of not being able to ovulate on my own and failed HCG trigger shots.
After a month off from taking fertility drugs, we went in for an ultrasound to see if the several large cysts on my ovaries had shrunk. And much to our surprise, my body created its first little tiny follicle on cycle day 26 on its own! It was small and needed help to grow, so we started up the fertility injections to go after it. And then, my basal body temperature spiked the next day. I thought this is it, I am ovulating! Dr. Q. checked on an ultrasound, and there was the little follicle still. I questioned him why my temperature spiked then and he said, “It’s just from the fertility drugs, you haven’t ovulated.” And so, I ignored my body and continued with the doctor’s recommendation.
Rob soon passed with flying colors how to give shots, and I endured the pain. I thought was I was preparing my body for childbirth, and would speak to myself repeatedly “this is for your baby, this is for your baby.”
Then suddenly, our one follicle which we had named “the golden child” had multiplied. And multiplied. We had a plethora of a mature follicles, giving Dr. Q the only controlled option of: in-vitro fertilization. Our hearts sank, but we continue to seek God’s plan for us have children.
May 14, the day of my best friend’s graduation, I went in for my egg retrieval. Unfortunately, just a couple short days later, my ovaries started to hyper stimulate. Medically, we could not transfer our precious little embryos back into a “hostile environment.” We were crushed, defeated. We did not believe in freezing life, and yet, God’s sovereign hand was at work again.
The pain started. I began to look like a sweet malnourished child from a 3rd world country, as my stomach began to swell. And swell. And yet I could barely drink, let alone eat, and I was rapidly gaining weight. There was so much fluid in my ovaries, after 7 days, they had to put me out again to drain my ovaries.
I remember lying on the cold bathroom floor tile. Sweating while I braced myself to the pain of throwing up again. Swallowing was excruciating. Coughing was intolerable. Throwing up was worse than any contraction I would ever had. I had no idea why my pain was getting worse, when it should be getting better.
“OHSS symptoms can be 4-12% in pregnant woman” a fact I skipped over as Rob and I searched symptoms of OHSS. After all, Dr. Q. had taken out all my eggs…
On May 24, I woke up to a shortness of breath and knew it was time to go to the hospital. We drove the long drive to Glendale
I was immediately hooked up to an IV, with a cold rag over my face. I literally wanted to die I was so miserable. I didn’t flinch as Dr. Q started another internal ultrasound, after all I was used to these by now.
After a few moments he said the words…. “I see a heartbeat.” Little did we know, we had a big miracle on our hands. Parker, our sweet pea’s tale had begun.
Shock. Excitement. Confusion. Instant Joy. We were finally pregnant!!!!!!!!!
We figured out that I must have released a follicle the early morning of my appointment with Dr. Q on cycle day 26, April 28. And our little sweet pea, wasn’t implanted yet during the egg retrieval process, and wasn’t big enough to see on the first ultrasound when they drained my ovaries.
We shared the happy new of being miraculously pregnant, and not from in-vitro, to the grandparents in the not so ideal scene of the hospital. I stayed hospitalized for 2 days to get nutrients and for myself and our little one who was already the size of a blueberry, with her Daddy never leaving our side. I underwent another TAP procedure to drain 13 lbs of fluid from my ovaries!
It was a road to recovery for my poor body, but nothing like the road our daughter would take just seven months later.
We still try to wrap our minds around how we became pregnant, even Dr. Q and his office do. They had never seen anything like this in 25 years. And yet, we rest in the sovereign hand of our Lord.
As my husband puts it best, “We have the Ultimate Fertility Specialist, His name is Jesus Christ.”
Prologue "Beautiful Mess"
After only a few weeks of knowing each other, Rob called me one day while I was walking out of class at Concordia University
And so, we were wild, we were crazy, we were mostly young.
But the Lord had bigger plans than just another relationship, for each of us. His golden eyes, warm spirit, and calm leading nature stole my heart while my cheery, driven, simple yet complicated being drove him to propose on December 20, 2006.
We took our time to plan the most beautiful wedding ceremony and romantic reception at Dove Country Club on March 22, 2008. We danced to “Me and You” and I couldn’t have been happier. Meanwhile the Lord was working our hearts to be knit together in a seamless fashion. We grew as our values and desire to build a steadfast Christian family became a reality on afternoon after a day of shopping at our favorite store, Costco.
I could barely contain myself as we drove home, but I wanted to be looking at him strait in the eyes when I shared the words. Something had clicked inside me as I saw a little onesie inside the big warehouse I had been to a million times. Something Rob had known since the moment he said I do… and yes, I had wanted children since I was old enough to play with my cabbage patch kids “JC” and “Gabby”. I had babysat my whole life and knew nothing more that I wanted children of my own. And though I knew Rob would be an amazing daddy (one of things that made me know he was keeper on top of the list), I just didn’t know if I wanted to share him yet. My standard line was “5 or 6 years.” And honestly thought I could wait that long.
Then a dear friend said the words to me, “You think you love your husband now, wait til you have children. You will find new ways to love him even more,” my heart and mind began to work together. I needed some deep study in the Word, and soon saw I trusted in my husband that after the Lord, I would always be his number one priority.
So as the moment he put Holly the Honda in park, I ran around to his door and wrapped my arms around his shoulders, like I’ve done a million times before, and said the words that would forever change our lives.
“I am ready!”
And so our young & crazy friendship, smitten romance, blossomed marriage would now become an even more beautiful mess- a family.
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